Sources confirm that a recent study of the nutritional value of the food served in university dining halls conducted by a third party health inspection service found that one of the ground beef based dishes affectionately known as ‘Grandma Shubert’s meatloaf’ in fact contains trace amounts of Grandma Shubert’s DNA.
“As part of our study, we ran tests on about thirty of the University of Michigan’s dining service’s most frequently prepared dishes to test the quality of the food that is being served to students on campus,” said Brenda Walker, a member of the research team, “when we ran tests on a slice of meatloaf, we found shockingly high amounts of human DNA. It was almost as if someone was deliberately adding it to the dish.”
According to a spokesperson for university dining, the dining hall chefs have been adding pinches of “Essence of Shubert” to the meatloaf since they started serving it. They reportedly could not find any other ingredient that gave it that perfect home-cooked taste.
“We’ve actually got a whole warehouse a few miles off campus full of anything we could clip, slip, or drain from the old broad,” said spokesperson Allen Jennings. “Any time Grandma Shubert got a hair cut or clipped her toenails, we just had someone go around and collect the trimmings. Sometimes we could even get a few tears out of her if we pushed the topic of her son dying in Vietnam hard enough. A few tears make the meatloaf so light and moist.”
This recent development has led students at the university to question the transparency of their school and the dining halls that they eat in every day.
“If they’ve been keeping the ingredients in our food a secret, what else are they not telling us?” Said freshman Annabelle Mitchell, “Who’s running this place? Where is my tuition money going? It’s all a scam!”
However, other students took the findings in the study as less of a shock.
“This doesn’t surprise me really. Some of the food is pretty disgusting,” said sophomore Peter Adams, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the tofu was just a used Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
At the time the study was released, the University dining services were not planning to stop serving up bits of Grandma Shubert until they could find a better alternative.
“It is very important to us that the food we serve our students is on par with the dishes they remember from home. When they come into our dining halls, we want them to feel like they are sitting down to a meal at their grandma’s house,” said Jennings. “And nothing says ‘homemade by Grandma’ like finding a curly gray hair in your meatloaf.”
The study also found that a delicate mix of Rhonda’s very own blood and sweat is what gives the BBQ sauce on Rhonda’s BBQ Pork Spareribs their trademark sweet tang.
Originally published Feb. 2014
