Local teenager Jeremy Stumph reportedly “hates his life” and “can’t wait to get out of here,” yet is facing complications in his plan to escape the horrors of his mundane suburban life and run away to Chicago stemming from his innate lack of directional understanding.
When asked to comment on his attempts to escape, Stumph shared that he didn’t want to use a GPS because of his severe distrust of corporations, and that he has “puprposely” failed his driver’s exam three times due to his insistence on “not being part of the system.”
“I’ve always felt restricted by this backwards town,” reported the high school student who isn’t quite sure what an Interstate is. “Once I get some money in my pocket, and a competent navigator, I won’t be looking back.”
Stumph’s girlfriend, Mandy Borrell, relates with his liberal sensibilities, but notes that his inability to navigate even the simplest routes is sometimes concerning.
“Last week he showed up at the wrong theater on date night,” Borrell said of her boyfriend who, like most grown individuals, should be able to intuit what a map is trying to demonstrate. “But sometimes it works out well for me. One time he tried to run away, but he turned left on Main Street and kind of got stuck there for a few hours before he was able to redirect himself.”
At press time Stumph could be seen holding out his thumbs and index fingers, demonstrating that the hand with the correct facing ‘L’ “most likely points north.”
Originally Published Feb. 2014
