eHarmony And Merge Into

In a surprise move Monday, popular dating website and successful genealogy website announced their decision to merge into the revolutionary new service,

The public, which has long had the hots for its young aunt, responded to the arrangement very positively. By finding previously unknown branches in family trees, the dating prospects for awkward introverts, desperate single people, and horny incestuous freaks are predicted to skyrocket.

“I really need help in my love life. Sometimes I feel so alone,” area man Jeff Steiner explained. “And, I’ve always been intrigued by my great-great-grandfather’s harrowing journey from Romania to Ellis Island. So naturally I was wondering if I have hot cousins or something.”

eHarmony, which prided itself on creating the perfect dating profile to find compatible matches, will certainly benefit from the plethora of background information brings to the table.

eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren had much to say about the exciting move, as well.

“Everyone out there has a special someone waiting for them. Sometimes, you’re closer to them than you originally thought. At, we’ll bring people together based on all sorts of shared traits, such as loving long walks on the beach, a penchant for romantic dinners, or DNA.”

Millions of people are projected to sign up for as soon as it launches, prompting Sandals Jamaica and other popular resorts to begin offering special family reunion discounts for Valentine’s Day.

Originally Published Feb. 2014

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