A flood ravaged East Quad this month after a pipe burst on the building’s first floor, raining cleansing holy water on a gaggle of peacoat-clad RC hipsters. The pipe breaking was reportedly the result of faulty ductile iron used in the building’s renovation, but the real cause of the flood was found after this reporter spoke about the matter to a previously untapped source: God.
The Higher Being confessed that the flood that almost destroyed East Quad’s theater and café was an entirely intentional act, carried out to send a message to the “dope-head heathens” living within the building. The Merciful Savior focused His attention on the corner of East University and Hill to rain terror upon the Godless students of the Residential College. As a less than solid metaphor for salvation, He decided to forcibly god baptize the residents by bursting a pipe and flooding East Quad’s lobby. The act, however, only resulted in thousands of dollars worth of damage and classes within the building being cancelled for the day— an announcement that prompted many students to actually do more drugs than they would have had the flood not occurred in the first place.
The Almighty defended His decision to nearly drown the Residential College students: “When I saw Sodom and Gomorrah, I flooded the Earth. When I saw two RC students arguing about what their favorite Björk song was, I figured it was pretty much fair game to do so again.”
“Look, it’s true that I love all of you equally, but these kids had it coming,” the Lord continued. “I’m sick and tired of them smoking in their rooms, complaining about classes, insulting non-vegetarians, and not bussing their own damn tables after eating in the cafeteria. I created you! You are alive! What a miracle that is!”
“They’re just lucky I didn’t pummel them into the ground with lightning and hail.”
In addition to their attitude, God was apparently disgusted with the hygiene of the majority of the students.
“I realize college is an exciting time for young people, but they need to remember bodies are temples! My flood was simply to remind them to avoid mistakes that they will absolutely regret later in life: like tattooing their own skin with pen ink and adding gauges to their earlobes.”
Our Lord and Salvation apparently even objected to the curriculum taught by the Residential College. “Every day, I have to watch those kids use their minds, that I gifted them mind you, to learn bullshit like non-rhyming poetry and Baroque-style music. Learn something else! My greatest gift of life is going wasted on these young people.”
“And if anything else, at least they finally got a shower.”
No further comments were given by the Lord who, as of press time, was preparing the next cold spell in order to reprimand freshman girls for wearing next to nothing on weekend nights, who, even after weeks of subzero temps, don’t seem to be getting the message for some reason.
Originally published Feb. 2014
