As per usual, West Quad RA Ben Anderson has redecorated his hallway’s bulletin board for the upcoming month. Hallway sources report that his newest creation, however, is more disturbingly personal than usual. The board, which previously contained standard commentary on how residents should be more sensitive to transgendered peoples and hemophiliacs, was redecorated at some point on Thursday night and now bears the title “Let’s talk about sex… Lisa.”
“When I first saw it, I did a double-take,” claimed freshman Lisa Percifield, “I thought ‘maybe it doesn’t refer to me,’ but then I saw a clump of my hair taped to the corner next to the caption ‘Be mindful of shower drains!’”
“It said, ‘No matter how nice your hair strands may smell with that honey and lavender Herbal Essences shampoo, make sure you clean out the shower for the next person!’”
Other residents of Winchell House were less surprised. According to freshman Tyler Larson “We’ve all known that Ben has a thing for Lisa ever since our hall meeting in September when he winked at her while declaring ‘my door is always open.’ I’m pretty sure he goes the bathroom every four minutes in the hopes that she’s in the hallway too.”
Suspicions were also aroused at the beginning of second semester when Anderson placed new name cards, all bearing the same baby picture of Percifield, on his residents’ doors.
Anderson, however, does not see his bulletin board redecoration as unusual. “I’m simply trying to make sure that our residents make healthy decisions about intimacy… and stop hooking up with that Brian, that fucking Neanderthal from 4th Williams.”
“You see, sex can be a wonderful thing when you do it with the right person, like, I don’t know… a purple belt in judo who’s also vicepresident of the Michigan Tolerance Club and knows four different Coldplay songs on acoustic guitar.”
As of press time, the Lifestyles condom taped to the bulletin board remained unclaimed and Anderson was last seen navigating directly to Percifield’s “Summer 2013” photo album on Facebook.
Originally published Feb 2014/
