Scientific Community Admits Atoms Completely Made Up

At a recent Geneva press conference of the world’s top scientists, it was revealed that atoms, the microscopic particles that for years have been known to be the building blocks of life itself, are totally made up, with no basis in reality whatsoever.

In front of a panel of experts and a live television audience, Swedish scientist Stefan Borg explained, “The whole idea of atoms is just totally weird. I mean sure, we have to be made of something, but it definitely isn’t atoms. For all we know we could be made of dirt or crystals or whatever.”

The report also indicates that protons, neutrons, and electrons were invented simply because they sound “cool and sciencey,” and are not based on any real experimental evidence. As for experiments that supposedly proved the existence of atoms, those were “totally pulled out of our asses,” according to Dr. Borg. “The truth is we scientists just had a lot of time on our hands and we had to one up the Church somehow.”

“I have dedicated 30 years of research to the study of the molecular structure of DNA, but in that entire time I haven’t found out a single thing,” said noted chemist Nadine Wright. “One day my lab partners and I got sloshed and just made up four or five elements on the spot. We gave them really stupid names like Ununoctium and Yttrium. That one’s fun to say over and over.”

“What really gets me is how this stuff is being taught right alongside biology and physics like there’s actually something to it,” Wright continued. “I mean come on, we can’t even see them! How should we know if they’re really there?”

Despite the fact that atoms are a complete fraud, their study has still managed to attract billions of dollars of funding. Dr. Borg admitted, “Yeah, we’ve been using that grant money to throw the best damn parties you’ve ever seen. The Large Hadron Collider is actually a kickass nightclub, and let me tell you, Nobel Prize winners go hard. “

Borg continued to say he “feel[s] kinda sorry” for wasting so much money on fraudulent research, but nonetheless pointed out that “you all still thought everything was made of tiny particles bonding together. No offense, but you’d have to be pretty gullible to believe that.”

Originally published Feb 2014.

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