Sigourney Weaver Is My Badass Alter-Ego

Friends, relatives, respected members of the Screen Actors Guild… I need to get something off my chest. For decades I’ve been perpetuating a lie. I must be honest: it has served me well, but it’s gone too far. It’s high time I come out and say it: I have been living a double life as the fictitious Sigourney Weaver. Much as Beyoncé has Sasha Fierce and Lady Gaga has Jo Calderone, I chose to live out my wildest dreams through an outspoken, kick-ass alter ego.

Quite honestly, I’m surprised no one ever figured this out before. How could you not notice how Sigourney and I have never starred in the same movie or attended the same award show at the same time? Come on, Sigourney isn’t even a real name. That was just how I mispronounced “Sidney” after a couple too many chardonnays.

I invented Sigourney Weaver’s persona in the fall of 1976 when I was having an identity crisis. Less than a year later, Annie Hall came out. And you thought it was a coincidence? Don’t be so naïve. At first I thought I would have a little fun with Sigourney and then move on after a few months, but it just felt too good to let go. Having one life as a well-respected actress wasn’t enough; I needed another.

The beginning of “Sigourney’s” career was the hardest part for me; I had to come up with a whole backstory and I was afraid I might have overdone it a bit. I mean having Sigourney go to Stanford and Yale and volunteer in Israel? Who would honestly believe that? Getting a fake social security number and forging a birth certificate wasn’t a cakewalk either, but I know a guy.

After Alien I knew there was no going back. Sigourney Weaver could live the life of a no-nonsense, ass-kicking actress the way meek old Susan Sarandon never could. She could do things I wouldn’t dare do myself. Film for months in the jungle? No problem. Pilot a sweet robot forklift? Sigourney had that in the bag. Slash Jon Voigt’s freaking face with goddamned venomous nails? I wouldn’t dream of it, but Sigourney didn’t even break a sweat.

By contrast, I’m just a haircut away from a yogurt spokeswoman. Do you have any idea what it’s like to only be able to adapt to various roles on screen and not in real life?

Probably the most brazen thing I ever did was have Sigourney and myself featured in the same issue of V magazine with that bitch Jane Fonda. That was a hard thing to explain to the photographers. I pretended to have diarrhea and ran to the bathroom, changed into my Sigourney outfit and took the second set of photos. When they asked me where Susan went, I told them she broke her hip and had to go to the ER! They sent cards and everything!

That was when I knew I had crossed the line. It took a lot of soul-searching, and I’ve decided to come clean. So it is with a heavy heart that I sincerely apologize to Sigourney Weaver’s millions of fans. You have all been misled, and I am sorry. I realize that this will be a tough pill for the nation to swallow, but I already filmed Avatar 2, so we still have that, right?

Originally published: Jan 2014

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