SHITTY BASEMENT APARTMENT—After recently graduating from an expensive, private liberal arts school with a degree in ceramics and abstract sculpture, 22 year old Victoria Anderson has begun to realize that the real world is just as disillusioning and different from college as her parents told her it would be.
Since graduating last spring, Anderson has funded her DIY habit by working as a collar consultant at a boutique dog shop. The former Campus Compost Club president said the job market for art majors is not what her “totally hip” GSI led her to believe it would be in many office hours meetings.
“Financial independence is not as cool as I thought it would be,” explained the ungrateful daughter who cherished every minute of the past four years away from her parents, “The money I make isn’t going toward four dollar single pieces of French toast and lattes flecked with edible gold, I have to like, pay rent and utilities and stuff instead.”
Anderson admits that her dramatic change of lifestyle has resulted in many personal revelations, including the realizations that generic sleeping pills take the pain of her current life away just as well as name brand, and that every suggestion and piece of advice her parents ever gave her was right.
“When you’re fifteen, you don’t listen when your parents say popularity and what kind of car you have and who you accidentally threw up on at Sammy DiMico’s prom after party won’t matter in a year because adults have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be a teenager.” said Anderson. “But in retrospect, I definitely should have listened when they told me to get a degree in literally anything else.”
Anderson’s mother was unable to comment on her daughter’s life choices at press time as she was too busy putting her vintage Chanel jewelry and Hermes scarf collection on eBay and crying into an eight-dollar bottle of red wine.
Originally published: Jan 2014
