‘U’ Responds To BBUM Concerns By Hiring Old, Rich White Guy As President

Several weeks after the Black Student Union organized a movement to draw attention to a lack of diversity at all levels, the University of Michigan took a step forward in addressing diversity concerns by selecting rich, old white man Mark Schlissel as its next president.

“First Obama and now Schlissel?” said LSA Junior Erica Taylor. “I never imagined that our nation could make so many strides toward a post-racial America in so little time.”

University regents announced the decision at a Friday morning press conference, where they praised Schlissel for his intelligence, experience, qualifications, and privileged status in this patriarchal and often racist nation.

“The regents recognize that a lack of equal representation has been a hot issue on campus lately, and we hope that our appointment of Mark Schlissel as University president will help to alleviate these concerns. As a wealthy white man, Schlissel has faced his share of systematic oppression, and will offer a unique voice to disenfranchised minorities such as himself on campus,” Andrea Newman, Chairman of the Board of Regents said. Although the regents are confident in their endorsement of Mark Schlissel, they acknowledge that the decision was not an easy one.

“We were blessed by an extraordinary group of candidates,” Regent Mark Bernstein explained. “But when you have so many candidates you have to start weighing the details, like melanin content and number of Y chromosomes.”

The largely outsourced search process, which the University claims cost $315,000 to complete, was concluded just days after the current President Mary Sue Coleman pledged $300,000 to renovate the Trotter Multicultural Center, thus satisfying one of BSU’s seven demands.

“I’m no mathematician, but that’s a combined $615,000 put directly toward increasing diversity,” Coleman said. “And when you consider the fact that Schlissel is getting paid $750,000 a year, there’s going to be more than enough diversity to go around.”

At press time women’s groups on campus could not be reached to comment on the fact that Schlissel’s starting pay will allegedly be 25 percent more than Coleman’s career high $603,000 salary, but sources indicate they are ecstatic.

Originally published Feb 2014.

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