Everyone Knows Crimea Just Likes The Attention

Remember when Russia used military force to seize me in 2008? I sure do. You just sat back and let it happen. It’s just a part of growing up, you said. Leave us alone, the international community is busy, go play with Armenia or Turkey.

That’s what you told me, and I sucked it up and dealt with it. But now precious little Crimea is being inconvenienced, and it thinks everyone has to hear about it. You know that Crimea is just throwing a fit to get your attention, right?

Crimea really has you fooled. It puts on a cute little pouty face and turns its puppy dog eyes to the news cameras. Bet you didn’t know that when you weren’t looking, the Association of Culture and Mutual Assistance of Crimean Tatars started doing some of their traditional Tartarian dances. If they were really that upset, do you think they’d be doing traditional Tartarian dances? Not a chance. So next time you think Oh, poor Crimea, life under Russian military rule must be so hard, remember that it’s really milking this whole occupation thing for all it’s worth.

And it’s pretty darn smug that its winning all this sympathy from you. Crimea needs to learn that just because it starts to whine and stomp its foot, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization does not have to use valuable resources to save it from potentially ruinous Russian occupation. I don’t even know why you’re giving it the satisfaction of letting it make the news—that’s exactly what it wants! Oh, but I forgot. You always do whatever Crimea wants. It’s obvious that you like Crimea more than me.

Originally published: March 2014

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