Matthew McConaughey Wins Oscar For Incredibly Convincing Portrayal Of Man With IQ Over 75

The 86th annual Academy Awards brought all of Hollywood out earlier this month to celebrate such highly acclaimed films as Gravity, the thrilling tale of people being able to stand looking at Sandra Bullock’s face for 91 consecutive minutes, and 12 Years A Slave (alternately titled White Guilt and Brad Pitt).

The “Best Actor” award, considered the highest single honor a male actor can receive, went to Matthew McConaughey for his astounding turn as a man with a “normal” IQ.

McConaughey shocked audiences and critics worldwide as character Ron Woodruff who, though rough around the edges at first, appears to display an at least average intelligence, routinely stringing together sentences with coherent meaning and even holding conversations with other sentient human beings.

“We were strongly considering Chiwetel Ejiofor [lead actor in 12 Years a Slave] for this award, but as time went on it became apparent just what McConaughey had accomplished in his role. He really reached outside of himself,” said Clarisse Rothschild, a voting member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

“I mean, just watch one interview with the guy. Just watch his acceptance speech! The man is a complete idiot, but he managed to convince us that he kind of wasn’t for two hours. Sure, Ejiofor interacted flawlessly with huge stars like Benedict Cumberbatch and Michael Fassbender, evoking deep-seated emotions and truly capturing the horrors of slavery, but Matthew McConaughey didn’t come off as possibly mentally damaged. How could we go any other way?”

When asked to comment on the situation, McConaughey could not be reached because, as his publicist stated, “Oh God no, you don’t actually want him to talk.”

Originally published March 2014

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