DEFINITELY NOT THE KITCHEN OF THE KAPPA ALPHA GAMMA SORORITY HOUSE—Katherine Grace Coughlin, a junior in the School of Art and Design and self-described pious Roman Catholic, is extremely dedicated in her observance of Lent. The devout Kappa went beyond her usual abstinence from chocolate, as she has chosen to give up eating entirely as a demonstration of her love for God. She claims that this extreme decision has brought her even closer to Jesus and eternal salvation.
When asked about the origins of her Lenten penance, Coughlin explained, “it started with the sorority-wide mandatory spring break diet in January. I realized that after surviving on just lettuce and vodka for a month, I don’t have to eat much before I get full. And, I’ve been getting more attention from the brothers at Theta Delta Upsilon than ever, so there’s no point in stopping.”
The emaciated daughter of Christ continued to say that while some may perceive negative health effects, she actually is strengthening her spiritually. “My hair has been falling by the fistful and I’ve been experiencing crippling spells of depression, but none of that even compares to the adversity Jesus faced as he wandered the desert for forty days.”
While Coughlin admitted that sometimes the innate biological desire to eat overcomes her, she finds strength through her Lord and Savior. “I turn to Jesus and pray when I feel my resolve falter, because anyone willing to die for my sins would never let any real harm come to me.”
The devoted Catholic did not mention her declining grades, which are reportedly a result of only ingesting about a hundred calories per day. She did say, however, that she believes to be nearing her ultimate goal of truly becoming one with the Son of God. “Plus,” she added, “Jesus looked really good on that cross—the prominence of his collarbones and ribs is the exact look I’ve been going for.”
Originally Published March 2014