Mary Sue Coleman To Deliver Commencement Speech Celebrating University’s ‘OK-ness’

According to a recently released transcript of the speech to be delivered by exiting president Mary Sue Coleman at Spring Commencement, Coleman plans to celebrate and praise the time she spent with the University, as much as one can about a University brimming with mediocrity.

Mary Sue Coleman has achieved a number of remarkable things during her time at Michigan, such as opening a cosmic sinkhole when she spun the cube backwards earlier this year, partying with various members of the student body, and starting the chant “Go Blue” six additional times per football game. With these accomplishments in mind, the students are looking forward to Coleman’s commencement speech.

According to an excerpt from the recently released transcript, Coleman believes that the most important thing for graduating seniors to take with them is: “Go Blue, everyone! And when you don’t know what to do, Go Blue! And if a tree falls down in the forest it will make a sound, and the sound will be ‘Go Blue’!”

When asked about what she plans on saying about her time at Michigan, Coleman answered, “In terms of my time at the University of Michigan, it was alright – but I could’ve done without the general admission student ticket switch, the Spanish Club’s ‘reply- all’ catastrophe, and the North Campus Cougar stealing my thunder.”

After the preview of her speech, President Coleman went on to tell us about how she is almost positive that all of the students will surely miss her.

“Eh, she was alright,” freshman John Welley told us the next day, after attending Coleman’s annual meet-and-greet.


Originally Published April 2014

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