Mitch McGary Still Deciding Between Millions Of Dollars, Being Further Exploited

A few days following the announcement that both Nik Stauskas and Glenn Robinson III will enter the 2014 NBA draft, the sophomore power forward Mitch McGary is still rumored to be on the fence regarding the same decision. His current options alternate between making more sweet, sweet cash than he’s ever dreamed of in his life, or remaining a mere money-generating cog in the machine that is collegiate athletics.

Despite the potentially limitless fame and wealth the NBA may provide for the preseason All-American, many Michigan fans are hoping that McGary decides to remain in school and play for the Wolverines. “If he was a true Michigan Man, he would stay in Ann Arbor,” said sophomore Tom Janson, who clearly has no idea how much bling, and not to mention pussy, that McGary is promised as a professional player.

“Yeah the NBA would be great, but look how popular he is here! His face and name are plastered everywhere around campus! That’s gotta mean more than just money, right?”

Indeed, students have been seen all over Ann Arbor wearing number 4 jerseys and posters bearing McGary’s face have recently sold out at campus bookstores, proceeds from which will be promptly pocketed by the University and surrounding businesses.

Even coming off of a season back injury, experts are still projecting McGary to be selected early in the draft which would guarantee him a contract with a minimum salary of about one million dollars, bonuses and sponsorships not included. Based on those same calculations, and a bit of number-crunching, that is approximately one million more dollars than McGary has seen in his two years at Michigan.

Carl Roubein, another LSA sophomore, echoed the sentiments of Janson. “Students love Mitch,” he said. “I remember one time when I was eating at Chipotle and Mitch was there too and all these kids were shaking his hand and asking for autographs. How cool, you know? He’s kinda there all the time actually!”

Friends close to McGary explain that he frequents Chipotle because a $6.25 burrito is one of the cheapest food items on campus. From there, McGary often returns to his room in a “run-down house off-campus because, shit, bills don’t pay themselves.”

Even Athletic Director Dave Brandon is reportedly doing everything he can to convince McGary to stay. “Mitch, my boy,” witnesses overheard him saying, “How many girls should I send to your place tonight? How about your classes, are you still getting straight A’s? You need your laundry cleaned anytime soon?”

The Athletic Department, in an attempt to anticipate McGary’s impactful decision, has called upon the University Psychology Department to run a few experiments. As of press time though, all studies indicate that given the option between money and no money, one hundred percent of all subjects immediately opt for money.


Originally Published April 2014

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