Neil DeGrasse Tyson Pretty Much Drowning In Tail These Days

Screen Shot 2014-04-18 at 11.35.01 AMSources report that since the debut of the critically acclaimed series Cosmos and a string of high profile late night TV appearances, celebrity astronomer Neil DeGrasse Tyson is “plowing trim like nobody’s business these days.”

Dr. DeGrasse Tyson, who holds degrees from Harvard and Columbia, has enjoyed minor stardom within the world of astrophysics since the 1990s. But his big break did not come until last year, when it was announced that he would host the highly-anticipated reboot of the Carl Sagan series Cosmos. At that point, according to friend and colleague Dr. Paul Bloemstein of the University of California, Mr. DeGrasse Tyson “blew up like a fucking supernova.”

Dr. Bloemstein went on to claim that Dr. DeGrasse Tyson is getting “groupies on groupies” with so-called “solar sluts” tossing their panties onstage and amassing outside his dressing room for the chance to join Tyson in recreating the Big Bang, so to speak.

“We’re talking Bill Nye circa ’99 levels of ‘tang, here. Only if Bill were black, had a killer mustache, and spoke in a smooth baritone that could put James Earl Jones out of business,” said Bloemstein, “Neil’s a sex animal, the ladies know it, and he is more than happy to spread his seed like a comet spraying ions”

This sentiment was echoed by studio executives at FOX, the network that carries Cosmos. Claimed Andrew Michaels, head of educational programming, “We knew the guy had star power when we booked him for the show. But this man is no blue dwarf—he’s a goddamn red supergiant. You can bet we’ll be booking him for sequels and endorsements. I just hope he doesn’t burn out too soon.”

When reached for comment, Dr. DeGrasse Tyson played coy about his sexual exploits, claiming, “an astrophysist doesn’t bone and tell.”

He then added, “Hey baby, have you heard there’s gonna be one less planet in the solar system?” Because, as Dr. DeGrasse Tyson reports, he is going to “destroy Uranus.”

Originally Published April 2014

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