UM-Divest Causes CSG To Freeze Under The Pressure Of Not Being Completely Useless

The University’s Central Student Government shat their collective pants this month when they were forced to decide on a divestment measure that, unlike every other action ever taken by CSG, could have actual, real world consequences.

“When we heard that our decisions could actually change people’s lives in a negative or positive way, our jaws hit the floor,” admitted CSG representative John Kilner, “I think I speak for all members of CSG when I say that the only thing we thought our service in student government would change is adding another row to our resumes.”

CSG originally chose to indefinitely postpone voting on the resolution, leading members of SAFE and SAFE supporters to organize a sit-in in the CSG chambers until a vote could be taken, giving CSG members a few days to process the reality of being actually called upon to change something. Student government members were reportedly in shock at being given the opportunity to do something actually important. According to reports, many representatives frantically tried to locate a copy of the pamphlets they handed out on the Diag during last year’s elections in order to be reminded of their own stances on issues.

Several CSG members were astonished by the commitment of those who held the sit-in, particularly LSA representative David Epstein, who commented, “I haven’t cared about anything that much since I lost my wireless PlayStation 3 controller.”

A vote was held Tuesday evening after several hours of personal testimony from students adamantly on both sides of the issue, with SAFE members telling emotional stories about Palestinians being senselessly killed, and CSG representatives repeating back things their lawyer/ doctor fathers have said at the dinner table. The final vote favored not divesting 25-9, and, although it was conducted via secret ballot, the minority students revealed themselves by having chronic nosebleeds or passing out from all the pressure of actually trying to be useful.

Several Jewish representatives found the UM-Divest movement to be a one-sided campaign against Israel and were angry that SAFE should attack them so ruthlessly with the truth. These verbal attacks, sources say, hurt almost as much as the bullets that will kill innocent Palestinians with the support of the representatives of CGIS, half of whom have fled to their parents’ beach houses and lake cottages in order to avoid any further real political responsibility.

Originally published April 2014

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