Bono Announces Plans To Kiss Every Living Person On The Mouth

In a publicized announcement last Friday, musician and philanthropist Bono announced that his latest project will be to kiss every living person on the mouth. “I’ve been involved with quite a few charities over the years,” said Bono, “but I haven’t yet done something that truly benefits everybody.”

Walter Smithson, a spokesman for Bono, has informed the press that Bono will be providing a 5-second mouth-to-mouth kiss to every currently living human on Earth, free of charge. Said Smithson, “Bono believes that this is the most important work he has ever undertaken. We both feel that a good smooch is precisely what humanity needs in these times of turmoil.”

Although Bono’s kisses will be free for every recipient, there are options to pay for extra features, such as the use of tongue and having Bono’s arms draped over the receiver’s shoulders. Celebrities such as Hugh Jackman have shelled out for the ultimate package, which includes a full-on embrace complete with a minute-long French kiss and a unique love sonnet written by Bono himself. The funds from the ultimate package will be donated to Bono’z Kidz, an organization that teaches underprivileged African children to sing alternative rock classics.

“I wasn’t sure if spending $200,000 would be worth it, but now I feel more loved and appreciated than I ever have in my life,” said the Australian film star. “When Bono had his arms wrapped around me it was like everything else just fell away. Even days later I’m as giddy as a schoolboy! If I’m feeling blue I just pull Bono’s poem out of my pocket and everything feels alright.”

Seattle, Washington woman Agnes Cooper was one of the first non- celebrities to receive a kiss from Bono. “I was totally star-struck,” said the 53 year-old mother of two. “But Bono is so approachable. He must have been feeling extra generous because he even gave me a peck on the cheek afterwards!”

As Bono presses on to the East Coast, followed by Europe and Asia, preliminary reports show that average happiness in regions where Bono has already kissed everyone has increased significantly Bob Rydell, the chief statistician who reported the findings, said, “Tis is the fastest surge of good feelings I’ve ever witnessed in my career.”

“Not since John Lennon gave everyone on Earth a firm handshake in 1977 has anything of this magnitude happened, and I doubt we’ll see anything like it again for quite some time, so we’d better take full advantage,” Rydell said.

Bono’s pioneering work has inspired other philanthropists to begin similar initiatives. Not to be outdone, computer tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that he will be offering every living person a complementary back massage and happy ending.

Originally Published: September 2014

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