East Timor President Gives Growing Country ‘The Talk’

Addressing the fledgling nation at a press conference last Friday, East Timor President Taur Matan Ruak decided it was time to give his country “the talk.” “People of the sovereign nation of East Timor,” he said, “I feel it is my duty as a responsible president to help prepare you for some of the changes a country at your age can expect to go through.”

“You are almost thirteen years old, and you have probably started to notice some of these changes already.” said President Rauk while addressing the noticeably embarrassed and increasingly uncomfortable nation, “This is the age when many countries begin to experience growth in strange labor sectors, class imbalances, and wet dreams. I want to assure you that all of this is perfectly normal. It is part of growing up and older brother the Philippines went through it too.”

Continuing, Ruak said, “Now, the other day I walked in on you stimulating your own economy. I could tell you were embarrassed when your bond market took a precipitous drop, but this is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, I believe young countries should be encouraged to explore and be comfortable with their own territory. I imagine that you are beginning to have thoughts about other countries and may even want to explore entering into trade negotiations with them. Again, this is completely natural and healthy, but bilateral negotiations can turn quite hot and heavy, so always look for a partner that respects your boundaries and makes you feel safe.

“And if things ever progress and you meet a country you really feel comfortable with, just remember: border control. If you don’t have an effective border control in place, no matter what anyone tells you, you have no way of knowing what might end up entering you,” Ruak said. “It might not feel quite as good, but the right country will find the added level of bureaucratic safety sexy. Just ask your Uncle El Salvador.”

Although Ruak’s message was mostly positive, he also cautioned his country about safety in international relations. “There are countries out there that would take advantage of you,” he said. “Always carry a cell phone so you can call NATO in case another country approaches you in an inappropriate way, and never go out to Europe by yourself. God forbid someone try to colonize you.”

“You might see some of your allies going to huge conferences every night. I understand how it looks fun and you may be pressured to join, but those sorts of places simply aren’t safe for a young country like you,” Ruak warned. “All those ambassadors sizing you up, it makes me sick just thinking about it.”

In closing, Ruak expressed his great happiness at East Timor’s development. “I’m so proud that you’ve grown into such a wonderful, upstanding sovereign state,” Ruak said tearfully. “You are going to blossom into a fine world power one day.”

At press time, East Timor had declared that Ruak “doesn’t understand them like Indonesia does” and locked itself in its room.

Originally Published: September 2014

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