Sources confirmed that the last squirrel on the University of Michigan’s campus died today, taking with it a number of hilarious jokes and topics of conversation, according to incredibly boring people.
“When I heard the news, I was devastated,” said mind-numbingly dull campus tour guide Michelle Turner. “How else am I going to show how unique and whacky our campus is when we don’t even have a squirrel-feeding club anymore?”
“Well, there goes my sole source for small-talk,” lamented unbelievably bland sophomore Blake Morgan. “I used to have this great bit where I’d go up to somebody and say ‘Hey, have you ever realized how fat the squirrels on campus are?’ It’d get them every time.”
Perhaps even more detrimental to the community is the effect on the economy, due to a dramatic decline in sales of shirts that said “Michigan Squirrels” on them, sold by a number of stores clearly pandering to the multitude of completely colorless drips on campus who desperately want to feign any semblance of a sense of humor or personality.
At press time, it was confirmed that fun, interesting people never really gave a shit about squirrels in the first place.
Originally Published: September 2014
