Incoming Freshman Desperately Reviewing Spanish, Michigan Football History

Rosen, confused as to how Tom Brady became so successful in the NFL after an average collegiate career.

HOME TO THE MOST WINS IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL—Incoming freshman Robbie Rosen was reportedly very excited to move in to his new room in Bursley, but he did admit that he has some worries about beginning his college career in Ann Arbor. However, his concerns about preparing for the rigor of college courses are dwarfed in comparison to his lack of knowledge of Michigan Football’s prestigious history.

“I took Spanish throughout high school,” Rosen told reporters, “but I’m not taking any chances. I reviewed some grammar and vocabulary over the summer, so I’ll be ready for whatever my professor throws at me the first day.”

While Rosen has his Spanish vocabulary down-pat, his knowledge of the language of football is somewhat less developed. Rosen has learned much about the popular sport in recent weeks, but he still struggles with some of the basics.

“What’s the difference between a kicker and a punter? How are some of those guys so fat if they work out so much?” asked Rosen. “And whose idea was it to name the tight-end Jake Butt?”

Rosen’s knowledge was further limited when asked about the the legendary Michigan Football Team. “Sure, I’m competent when it comes to the current team. There was that guy with dreadlocks who didn’t know how to tie his shoes a couple years back, and now our quarterback is Daveon Gardenhire. I think he’s pretty good. It’s really just a shame Mitch McGary declared for the NFL draft.”

Rosen continued, “I’m struggling to remember the history, though. Who was this guy Tom Harmon? Why is Gardenhire wearing number 98 when he’s a quarterback? And why was everyone so nervous about playing Appalachian State? I thought Ohio State is our biggest rival.”

While Rosen was grateful that his ignorance would not have any effect on his GPA, he did acknowledge that his lack of college sports knowledge may harm his social standing. At press time, Rosen was frantically memorizing various student cheers so “upperclassmen won’t tease [me] in the bleachers.”

Originally Published: September 2014

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