SECRET VOLCANO LAIR, IRAQ—As President Obama has held his resolve to continue air strikes in Iraq targeting the jihadist terrorist organisation ISIS, he has also held his resolve that the acronym ISIS is “just a really, really cool name.”
The acronym, which officially stands for “Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant,” has an air of mystery about it that leaves open the possibility that it could stand for “International Sinister Injurious Syndicate” or something like that.
President Obama has also insisted that Pentagon briefings refer to the ISIS Caliph: Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, by the slightly more aerodynamic nom de guerre Dr. Midnight. His close associate, field commander Abu Omar al-Shishani, is referred to as Cruncher, and is assumed by the Pentagon to be possessed of superhuman strength and hopefully mute.
Said Obama, “We’ve had plenty of terrorist organizations threaten both the domestic security of the United States and the already fragile state of the Middle East. But none of them; not al Queda, not Al-Asqua, not even Al-Shabaab, quite conjure up images of evil super geniuses, solar weapons to destroy the Rocky Mountains, and men stroking cats. This is a golden age for terrorist organization names.”
Obama was in fact reportedly disappointed to learn that ISIS’ main goals are the imposition of Sharia law and the elimination of modern borders between Islamic Middle Eastern countries, and not blowing up the moon.
Originally Published: September 2014
