Independent Space Agencies Vow to Establish Life, Poverty, Suffering on Mars by 2030

Elon Musk, billionaire and founder of SpaceX, has announced plans to institute civilization, with all its violence, pain, and ultimately meaningless yearning for higher purpose, on Mars by 2030. “It is our primary mission to explore the stars,” explained Musk, “and spread, through the vastness of the void of space, the banality of the futile, unfortunate circumstance known as life.”

Musk insists that now is the time for such action, citing breakthroughs in atmospheric studies, an upsurge in donations, and the impending emergence of a global health crisis as reasons to seek human expansion into Mars. “I do think we’ve hit this sweet spot, where in the next fifteen years we’ll have a growing pool of investors, as well as growing political unrest in war-torn countries.”

Musk added, “It’s time to bring these resources to the newest frontier.”

SpaceX, beginning preparation for this new project, released a statement last week: “We at SpaceX are thrilled to be working toward a new, adventurous future. And on Mars, the future will be in our hands. Also in our hands will be semiautomatic weapons and hallucinogens,
because we pledge not to taint a new society with restrictive governments.”

Funded mainly by Musk’s success with Telsa, an electric $70,000 sports car sold to satiate the guilt of wealthy businessmen with a knack for petty environmentalism, SpaceX plans to use reusable rockets and titanium biospheres to establish a colony of up to 80,000 on the Red Planet. “Data gathered by the Curiosity Rover tells us sub-surface water and atmospheric carbon dioxide will allow life to thrive within the bio-domes, but will do nothing to alleviate the inherent pain of existence,” said Musk.

Published Oct. 2014

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