Calling her “Let’s Move!” campaign an “outright futile strive” to end childhood obesity in the United States, First Lady Michelle Obama announced in a speech Tuesday she is adopting a new, more formidable strategy: wearing a string of amputated fingers formerly belonging to American diabetics around her neck.
“For nearly four years, I have traveled tirelessly across America, visiting school after school to advocate healthy and active lifestyles,” the First Lady said. “Unfortunately, these efforts have been entirely ineffective and the time to take severe targeted action against childhood obesity has come.”
“From now on, I will wear this necklace composed of bloodied fingers, severed from the portly hands of several American diabetics,” added Obama. “These hacked off extremities are the fallen casualties in the ongoing war on obesity.”
Obama said that she was initially “hopeful, even excited” when she embarked on her healthy-living initiative, but that she always knew the battle to “move” the country’s “countless morbidly obese youth” would be an arduous one. “I have been inside enough elementary school gyms to know the immense weight of this crisis. Our children are huge, pure and simple.”
“We’ve tried everything we can,” Obama continued. “We replaced fatty cafeteria foods with fresh fruits and vegetables and lean protein. But if there’s one thing this experience has taught me, it’s that these kids love their Bosco Sticks more than life itself. Figuratively and literally.”
A recent study shows that over 60% of American porkers ages 6-12 grow up to be rotund, corpulent and ultimately obese adults. The study confirmed that when faced with physical activity, these children would rather “just not.” When questioned about their favorite outdoor activities, the three most frequent answers were “barbeque, s’mores” and simply “ice cream truck.”
“Whether you are an obese youth, or the obese parent of an obese child, it is incumbent upon you all to join forces and physically exert yourselves to shed considerable poundage.” Continued Obama, “This is a fight for our children. This is a fight for America.”
According to White House sources, the decision to wear the crimson- stained string of chopped digits came in August after a family trip to a water park where Secret Service declared a massive wave pool teeming with obese children unsafe, banning Sasha and Malia from swimming in it for fear of drowning.
“My friends, the time to act is now. Will we stand by passively and watch the obesity epidemic rise and our children balloon, or will we act?” Declared Obama in a forceful monotone voice, “Let this necklace be a warning to diabetics and pre-diabetics everywhere.”
Published October 2014