Roger Goodell Suspends ISIS for Three Games After Beheading Videos Surface

NEW YORK—Early this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that the NFL will be suspending international terrorist group ISIS for three games, following the release of videos displaying the beheading of several kidnapped journalists.

“I’ve made mistakes, and I’m just trying to get this right,” said Goodell in a press conference. “I am now setting up a research committee, so that, in the future, we can properly handle cases of international terrorism.”

After reports had confirmed the beheadings last week, the NFL took no disciplinary action, enveloping the league in controversy. In fact, Goodell originally came out in support of ISIS, praising them for allegedly “avoiding helmet to helmet contact.”

However, after watching the videos, Goodell and the NFL released a statement saying they did not truly understand the essence of a beheading and what it meant to cut another human’s head off, and gave the Islamic State a three game suspension.

When reached for comment, ISIS Head Coach, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi stated, “The announcement this morning comes as quite a shock to us all in the organization. The NFL Conduct Policy makes no reference to punishment for beheading individuals, so we truly felt we were in the clear here.”

The Green Bay Packers, who were slated to play ISIS this Sunday, will now square off against Hamas, in what will be considered a trial game for the team to enter the league. “We feel the principles and values that Hamas stands for fall more in line with our mission here in the NFL and we are excited about their potential entry into this great Fraternity,” the Commissioner declared.

The Packers should be a heavy favorite in the new matchup, as the Hamas offense has become very one-dimensional of late. Hamas’ aerial attack has struggled recently, as they failed to successfully complete several long bombs against Israel in their previous matchup.
The Packers-Hamas game kicks off this Sunday at 1 p.m. EST on CBS.

Published Oct. 2014

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