There’s Nothing Like The Sensation Of Having 1,000 Young People Inside You At The Same Time

I know you’ve heard of me. And I bet you’re wondering how I do it. Everyone’s curious. You’re saying to yourself, “There’s no way it can be that good!” Well, let me tell you something. I am that good. I’m more than that good. So much more. There’s a reason I’ve got 4,500 students coming inside me every single day. I’m not cheap. I’m worth $63 million, and you better believe you’ll get every nickel’s worth.

It starts with a tease early in the morning. The students trickle in slowly, which really gets me excited. A lot of people sleep right through breakfast, but that’s okay. They can get it any time they want. By noon, they’re ae lining up. They can’t wait for a taste of me. And the line gets so long. It gets soooo looooonnng! Yeah sure, technically I’m not supposed to hold more than 950 people, but when the fire marshal isn’t looking, I can squeeze a few more of you in there.

Who wouldn’t want this? I mean have you seen me? I’m dimly lit like a romantic dinner at a five-star restaurant in the middle of New York City! And I’m open aaaalllll dayyyy. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, you name it. A lot of the students come back for seconds, and I’m happy to give it to them. And nothing is more satisfying than when those big, strong, football boys come and get thirds.

Last year, East Quad’s dining hall thought it was getting the most action, but I’m drawing people all the way from North Campus! That’s because, unlike some other places I could mention, I can do it any way you want. You can get it hot, you can get it sweet, you can get it spicy, and it’s always fresh and locally grown. Not in the mood for chatting? My inner walls are lined with TVs, and I don’t mind if you just watch the game while you do your business. Worried your girlfriend in Bursley is going to get jealous? Bring her along! I can satisfy her, too! I can play any role you want me to. No meat? No problem! Gluten-free? Whatever makes you feel good, baby.

And when you’re finished, don’t worry about cleaning up. Just leave it all there and the next guy will probably take care of it.

Or maybe the guy after him. I’ve lost count.

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