Tense Discourse On Cultural Appropriation Likely To Ruin Halloween For Everyone

Sources confirmed Wednesday that topical concern about cultural appropriation is likely to “kill everyone’s vibe” this Halloween after a mandatory sensitivity training session for all members of the Interfraternity council.

Workshop facilitator Madison Gemitz led the various members of Greek Life through a presentation that explained in detail why it was offensive to dress up for Halloween in blackface, yellowface, and sluttynurseface.

“The meeting was very informative,” said Alpha Delta Zeta social chair Josh Vanderline. “I already knew that it was offensive to dress up as an Indian chief or a samurai warrior, but I had no idea that a Fifty Shades of Grey themed costume could be so offensive to those who belong to the kink community as well as those who identify with the culture of desperate, horny white girls.”

Lorelei Ovitz, vice-president of the Gamma Gamma Gamma sorority, was similarly complimentary. “I was planning on going as a sexy witch this Halloween, but Madison’s helpful lecture made me realize that it might inappropriately poke fun at those who suffered during the Salem Witch Trials. It’s just too soon.”

This meeting was especially important to fraternity Theta Upsilon Chi, said president Will Martell. “After last year’s ‘Cowboys and Indians’ themed mixer, TUC nationals are really considering revoking our charter if we fuck up again with costumes,” says Martell. “According to our bylaws, cultural insensitivity is the highest offense, followed by cockblocking.”

Some costumes that Gemitz recommended in lieu of traditionally offensive costumes included “Intersectional Feminist,” “Privilege Checker,” and “Gender-Neutral Zombie.”

“At the end of the day, it’s all about respect,” Gemitz said. “Before choosing your costume, I suggest thinking deeply about the ramifications it could have. So if your costume could possibly be in any way offensive to even one person on the entire planet, you might want to choose a different one.”

Originally Published: October 2014

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