Daily Op-Ed Columnists Announce Plans To Shout Entire Text Of Editorial At You

MASON HALL NEWSPAPER RACKS—With the Daily already replete with hard-hitting news pieces such as “University Housing to Continue Heating Water” and “Mars Rover Is On Mars,” many have voiced concern that the paper may not have enough room to publish its popular and often controversial editorials. These fears were assuaged last week when Daily Editor-In-Chief Stephen Marcus announced that the paper would be bringing its legacy of journalistic excellence forward into the 9th Century by positioning editorial writers next to distribution racks and having them shout their opinions at you.

“The Daily has always been about honest, in-your-face, edge-of-your- seat stories that reflect the opinions of the student population,” said Marcus. “We think this decision brings us one step closer to the dream of writing stories you simply can’t look away from, because now they will chase you and they will not stop.”

Students have responded positively to the first day of this editorial experiment, with sophomore Gary Kynes noting “this new system has everything I love about the Daily’s editorials: off-putting and antagonistic statements, an aggressive lack of punctuation, and frustratingly legitimate perspectives buried deep with stratified layers of inflammatory venom. Not that I’ve thought a lot about it…”

Other students were similarly complimentary. “Why they waited this long to take this bold step forward, I’ll never know!” said Junior Kylie Bronson. “I’ve always had a vague feeling when reading a Daily editorial that someone was popping up in my face and screaming at me until my eyes bled, now I’m positive that’s basically what they’re going for!”

Based on the rousing success of this model, the Daily has hinted at plans to make other aspects of the paper literal as well, such as printing on sandpaper, and printing hyperlinks to CNN articles in their headlines.

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