Gaze Upon My Motorized Scooter, Ye Pedestrians, and Despair!

Screen Shot 2014-11-06 at 6.30.56 PMHark! What is that which wantonly speeds through the streets, casting terror into your very souls as a blur of colors rushes by and a mighty gust of wind confounds your senses? Why, it is I, on my mighty motorized scooter!

“What’s that?!” You mere mortals wonder, as you gaze on in awe. “How, but for some supernatural force, can this man before me be speeding by at a pace of twenty-seven, nay, twenty-eight, miles per hour?!”

Although I can’t help but laugh as I look at your pathetic, dumbfounded little faces, I must concede: the sight of me upon my beloved chariot is indeed great terrible. It brings me back to simpler days when I, like you, relied upon my lower appendages to carry me from place to place. But now I blow past you, a majestic and bewildering combination of man and machine. I have metamorphosed from biped to moped; I am the next stage in human evolution! I am the terror in the breeze!

But be not fooled, plebeians: it is not everyone who can handle such a formidable method of transportation. ‘Tis a right that must be earned, not merely given. I, for example, deemed myself worthy of the almighty moped after earning a spot on the men’s varsity golf team. Not only did the university administration smile upon me as I was bestowed with the carriage that would, for the next four years, carry me to and from my practices on South campus; the gods smiled upon me as well.

To this very day the memory of first receiving my motorized scooter dances through my head, even sweeter than the memory one retains of one’s first truly passion-fueled yet tender lovemaking session. “Here,” Coach Wallenburg said to me. “She’s yours.” I shook his hand, thanked him, and fell to my knees weeping. She was perfect.

And she’s been by my side ever since. Look, as we eclipse walkers in our path! Cower, as we leave both roller-bladers and long-boarders alike in our dust! Laugh, as we run circles around individuals on bikes—the impotent, decrepit ancestors of motorized scooters.

What’s this? You dare cut me off, in a puny SUV no less? Why, even the automobile stands no chance against the mighty moped. Full speed ahead, my noble steed: let us show this foolish driver with his reinforced steel frame frame exactly what kind of damage a 50cc engine can do!

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