High Freshman Not Sure If Paranoid or Actually Awakened Ancient Evil Biding Time in East Quad

East Quad ROOM 666—Following one too many rips from his roommate’s bong last Wednesday, freshman Danny Dishman reported feelings of paranoia in East Quad Room 666. “At first it was just the regular stuff, you know? Like I had no idea what to do with my hands. But by the end of it I was sure that not only was everyone certainly annoyed with me, but also that our transgressions had perturbed some inhuman force slumbering in East Quad.”

Dishman also reported strange chills, a prickle on the back of his neck, and the inability to shake the feeling that he had no true friends. Though he couldn’t quite describe the malevolent ambiance, he estimated that “it was like the Blair Witch had a Craigslist three-way with Stephen King’s It and Poltergeist II. And then she got knocked up. Whatever her baby looked like, that’s what I felt.”

Despite being “high as fuck,” Dishman insisted that something he and his friends did must have undone previous efforts to contain the dark forces present in East Quad. Possible causes cited include: using the Lord’s name in vain (specifically: “God-damn-fuck-me- Jesus”), rolling joints with pages from the Book of Revelations, playing spin the bottle on a Ouija board, and drinking Mountain Dew from a Chippewa skull found in the woods the previous summer.

At the peak of his high, Dishman reported visions he deemed too real to be hallucinations. “I went into the hall to get a drink and clear my head. Before I knew what was happening the lights started wigging out and a cold wind made all the doors bang open. Then this guy in an ascot and a great dane were being chased by a sheet ghost and popping in and out of all the doors… it was wild.”

According to other attendants of the gathering in Room 666, Dishman insisted that the group “should call a priest” upon his re-entrance into the room, to which host George Tate replied, “shut the fuck up, Danny,” and “who the hell invited this kid?” Sure that his hall mates were no longer acting on their own free will, Dishman sat back down on the couch and tried to ignore the oppressive weight of evil hanging over them all.

Related News