Study Finds Death Row Inmates Most Patient People

A new study conducted by Wake Forest University found that inmates waiting on death row are the most patient type of people, according to what is called the Ability to Wait Index.

The inmates clocked in at a score of 98.3 on the 100-point scale. Lead researcher Dr. Nancy Lee explained, “To put that in perspective, a mother Bear protecting her cubs comes in at a 0.03 on the scale.” She continued, “It’s hard to explain the findings of our research, it’s almost as if those facing impending doom, have no problem waiting around in a dark isolated prison cell. All of us can really learn a great deal about the virtue of patience from these great men and women.”

However, not all the observations were so positive. Dr. Ted Sanders, noted that the “level of patience exhibited by some of the inmates was borderline dangerous. It was almost as if they had no place to go and no purpose in life, as if they were just waiting to die. It was quite alarming, for example, that a greater sense of urgency was actually observed in snails and sloths.”

Rounding out the top three of the groups ranked were children waiting to get flu shots and men with erectile dysfunction. Women giving birth and Grandparents using that “Google Machine,” tied for last.

“We are thrilled that our system is teaching these criminals how to wait patiently for their turn,” articulated Bureau of Prisons Executive, Charles Samuels. “But we want to assure that we’re making every possible effort to streamline their executions in order to reduce these inhumane standby times. America does not deserve this medieval system of retribution.”

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