In a move that has received advanced praise from environmental activists, local cannibal James Lewis recently decided that he would choose to eat only sustainably fed, humanely raised, vegan humans.
“I became a cannibal because the horrors of the meat industry were too much for me to stomach. But after doing my research I found it unconscionable to eat humans raised in disgusting conditions like the South Quad or Bursley farms,” Lewis said.
One of Lewis’ main concerns was the poor continued treatment of cannibals in the media. “Sometimes, us cannibals are portrayed in a negative light. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer, tieing up, mutilating, and treating his victims like animals. I only eat free range humans, and never before buying them dinner first,” stated Lewis, licking his lips.
Numerous EPA officials support Lewis’ decision to eat vegans, including Press Secretary Burt Wiggums. In a recent news interview, Wiggums went on the record saying “More cannibals around the country should side with Lewis and really pay attention to how their food is raised. Sustainable cannibalism could really be the key to lowering America’s carbon emissions. Plus, vegans taste better, too.”
In response to Lewis’ public announcement, Dorothy Chambers of Hilshire Farms Inc. informed the public that “Humans have been eating meat for millenia, and crazy humans have been eating meat-eaters for just as long. In order for cannibals to get their daily recommended iron and protein, we recommend that you continue eating a well-balanced diet of humans with well-balanced meat-inclusive diets.
At press time, Lewis was seen eating the fruits of his urban farming experiment in Detroit.
