U-M Study Finds Young Women Choosing To Be Sexually Disappointed Earlier In Life

In a recent study released by the University of Michigan, researchers report that millions of young girls are choosing to engage in sexual activity that will ultimately leave them unsatisfied and underwhelmed at the youngest average age in recent history.

While past studies have concluded that the frequency and age of young people who choose to engage in sexual activity for the first time heavily relies on factors such as region of the country, socioeconomic status, and hotness, researchers cite that the most common reason women choose to set themselves up for a lifetime of sexual dissatisfaction is boredom.

“I lost my virginity when I was 15 because my then-boyfriend and I were bored of going to the movies every weekend,” said freshman Lindsay Anderson. “But boy, was I unprepared for the unrelenting boredom that would ensue every time a man flops on top of me and aimlessly thrusts for a couple minutes while I muster a feeble moan out of pity.”

Doctors and educators alike are concerned that many young women are prone to getting caught up in the novelty of sexual activity and unfortunately overlook the negative aspects of engaging in sexual intercourse such as unplanned pregnancies, STDs, and the awakening of a burning and profound sexual desire that will ultimately go unfulfilled by any number of sexual partners who are either too lazy or too oblivious to perform even the most basic direct clitoral stimulation. “Many of my colleagues and I are concerned that young women don’t know what they are getting into when they choose to have sex for the first time,” said Harper Kwan, PhD. “There are many physical and psychological risks, the most disturbing being a chronic sexual itch that can never just moved his tongue a little to the right, Jesus Christ, this isn’t rocket science. It’s vital that girls really think through such a big decision before they doom themselves to an eternity of sexual frustration.”

The long-held belief is that the best way to prevent sexual disappointment is to completely abstain from having abstinence education does not actually prevent young people from being intimate. Dr. Kwan says that at this time, the best preventative measure is investing in a quality electric toothbrush.

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