Unmarried, Childless Aunt Planning to Keep Everyone Guessing About Sexuality

THE KIDS TABLE, THANKSGIVING—In a recent survey taken by Cousin Bobby, most family members contend that Aunt Cheryl “definitely likes chicks,” while others maintain that she “may actually be straight, but probably not.”

“Let’s look at the facts: she owns a Carhartt jacket, her profile picture is a river husky, and her last recorded date was prom in 1984,” explained Bobby. Aunt Cheryl, who will likely wear clogs and a bowl cut to Thanksgiving as she always does, was last seen shouldering bags of coals from her Chevy Tahoe to light the grill.

This Thanksgiving will not be the first year a discourse over Aunt Cheryl’s sexual preference has taken place. In 1998, Cousin Travis, 7 at the time, was recorded on home video asking his mother, “Why doesn’t Auntie Cheryl wear lipstick like Mommy? Why is her flannel shirt tucked into her jeans?” In 2004, Cheryl forced the entire family listen to the “Best of the Indigo Girls” album, prompting Travis to ask, “If it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby, why does Aunt Cheryl spend her weekends eating nachos with Karen and Dana?”

Sources report that during last year’s dinner, Cousin Maria exclaimed from the far end of the table next to her personal serving of tofurky, “Cheryl, WE love YOU, and want YOU to feel comfortable expressing YOURself and YOUR preferences even in the midst of this white supremacist capitalist holiday.” Maria’s declaration was followed by 28 seconds of silence, after which Cheryl offered Maria a second helping of pumpkin cheesecake.

At press time, in accordance with tradition, Aunt Cheryl shows no signs of clearing up any ambiguities about her sexuality. “I mean at this point I’m not surprised by the ‘keep em’ guessing’ power play,” remarked Jeffery, “but you want my honest opinion? It’s 2014! It’s about time for her to get her softball trophies out of my goddam attic.”


Originally Published November 2014

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