Vatican Wardrobe Stylist Baffled by Church’s Waivering Stance on Homosexuality

THE WALK-IN CLOSET—Following a recent Vatican synod, Atanasio Cesarini, the man employed by the Vatican to whimsically mix and match various furs, silks, and tulle in his designs for Pope Francis’ wardrobe was left seemingly perplexed by the Catholic Church’s decision not to alter its doctrine regarding its stance on homosexuality.

Cesarini, who has worked as the Pope’s personal fashion consultant for the duration of Francis’ papacy, felt “pretty shocked” by the Vatican’s refusal to amend its doctrine. “I could have sworn a change was coming soon,” Cesarini said. “Just last week, Francis requested that I make him a new regalia with purple velvet trim, and I figured if he’d be wearing that to the synod, it was pretty much a guarantee.”

“But then Francis came back from the convention and carelessly tossed the headdress on a chair as though I didn’t just spend the last two weeks hunting down the perfect grain of velvet to complement the regalia’s inlaid jewels,” continued Cesarini. “And this is coming after I had just finished hand-sewing 3,000 gold sequins onto his dinner cape.”

Cesarini claimed that from the moment he started working with Pope Francis, he had assumed that Francis would be “more open-minded to different kinds of love, considering how open-minded he has been towards different kinds of golden embroidery on his ceremonial robes.”

“I didn’t expect any changes to come around with previous popes,” Cesarini said. “But when Francis came to the papacy, he was a breath of fresh air. He gave speeches to the poor! He showed acceptance toward atheists! He requested that his Easter sash be inlaid with Moroccan lace filigree!”

Despite his confusion with the decision, Cesarini has vowed that his own personal beliefs will not affect the working relationship he maintains with his employer. “I’ll still do my job, and I’ll still do it well,” he said. “When Francis needs someone to assure him that his Sabbath robes flatter his figure, I’ll be there. And if he needs the intricate embroidery freshened on his sacramental gloves, I’ll be there. And if it’s windy in the Holy City and he needs someone to bobby pin the ornamental cap back on his head before the rubies fall off, you know I’ll be there.”

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