Johnny Manziel Becomes Starting Quarterback, Man

CLEVELAND—Following a disappointing lack of chutzpah in recent weeks from Browns QB Brian Hoyer, Manziel has officially become a man in the Jewish faith, as well as a member of the team’s starting lineup.

“In a short time, he’s really learned the fundamentals of the playbook as well as the many lessons of the Torah,” said Browns Head Coach Mike Pettine.

While the rookie out of Texas A&M has traditionally been known for his self-assured, often cocky demeanor, “Johnny Football” says he is morally prepared to take responsibility for his actions as a follower of Adonai.

“Today I am truly a man. I accept this honor in the eyes of Elohim, the Torah, and the Cleveland Browns organization,” said Manziel, who then proceeded to don his yarmulke and lead the press conference in a recitation of the Sabbath prayers.

Following Manziel’s Bar Mitzvah Saturday, he will be traveling to Cincinnati, where the Bengals defense will attempt to congratulate him with gifts of sacks and interceptions.

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