Michigan Football Team Just Hoping People Assume They Play Basketball Now

After what has been widely considered one of the most disappointing seasons in Michigan Football history, several football players admitted late Monday that they now hope everyone just assumes they play basketball.

“It is never fun to look like a loser,” said 368-pound offensive lineman Graham Glasgow, dressed in an XXXL ‘We On’ t-shirt. “Normally I’m wearing my Michigan football gear and maybe my backpack from the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, but now I wear basketball stuff and just try to blend in on campus.”

Glasgow isn’t the only football player to employ this tactic, with many football players pretending to be athletes on other teams, presumably to avoid the shame associated with a five-win season.

“We’re all kind of jealous that Jabrill [Peppers] is passing as a track and field guy so well. He was a pretty dope sprinter in high school. So he actually fits the mold.” said Glasgow. “And Jake Butt is making strong contributions to the women’s water polo team. Apparently he’s really getting along with them too. I heard he hosted one of their pre-game pasta parties.”

Sources confirm that despite Michigan Football’s prestigious past, players have historically pretended to be members of other teams.

“I remember my time at Michigan,” said Desmond Howard. “Sure, I won the Heisman and the team was great, but everyone was wearing black shoes, black socks, and sagging their shorts in hopes of being mistakenly recognized as a member of the Fab Five.”

“Even Tom Brady spent a semester as a caddy,” continued Howard, “He was a damn good caddy too. Good effort, very polite, not much of an ego for a quarterback, which is of course what he was pretending not to be.”

Although many players were reportedly concerned that someone attending a game might recognize them, it was quickly pointed out that very few people attended their games this season anyway.


Originally Published Dec. 2014

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