Area Dunce Unsure When To Put 3D Glasses On

Noting that the dimly lit theater appeared to have no clear majority of patrons wearing 3D glasses versus those who had yet to don their spectacles last Saturday, area dimwit Liam Waits was unable to ascertain the proper time to put on the 3D glasses provided to him for his viewing pleasure.

Waits, who had previously been “very excited” to see the new Hobbit film at his local IMAX theater, became visibly nervous upon realizing that there appeared to be no clear cut point at which to adorn himself with his oversized, plastic frames.

“It was hard to tell if the initial commercials and previews were in 3D or not,” said Waits, “I didn’t want to look over-eager, but I was also really worried that there was some in-your-face action in the new Night at the Museum trailer that I was missing.”

Waits also stated that he had been experiencing vision trouble, which further inhibited his ability to figure out if he should simply put on a pair of glasses or not.

“My vision has been kind of fuzzy lately, so I couldn’t decide if the screen was a bit blurry because of that, or because it was time to put on my 3D glasses,” said Waits, ”Then putting them on didn’t seem to help much, so I just didn’t know what to do.”

Waits’ dilemma reportedly put a damper on his ability to enjoy the twenty minutes of teaser trailers and theater trivia featured before the movie began, as well as his large bucket of popcorn, which he had already accidentally tipped over out of excitement. Instead of relaxing into his previews and snacks, Waits resigned himself to repeatedly taking off his glasses, worrying that it wasn’t time, and then putting them back on haphazardly, reported on-lookers.

“He seemed to think he had come up with a strategic plan to make it look like he knew when he should wear his glasses,” said fellow moviegoer Andrea Calhoun, “He sat with his glasses way down on his nose for a while, hoping we couldn’t tell whether he was looking over or through the glasses, but we all saw right through that.”

As the opening credits rolled, Waits realized he had forgotten to turn off his cellphone and subsequently spent the next two and a half hours waiting for a scene loud and bright enough to muffle the noise and sound of his phone powering down.

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