CIA Vows to Consider New, Less Fucked-Up Ways of Getting Rocks Off

LANGLEY, VA – Following a national controversy regarding the CIA’s use of torture on hundreds of federal detainees, the Agency announced yesterday that it would begin looking into a number of less harmful ways to satisfy its penchant for drugs, violence and notoriously perverse sexual fetishes.

“The nation has spoken, and we’ve heard them loud and clear: the time has come for the CIA to find more constructive and less depraved ways of blowing off steam,” announced CIA Director John O’Brennan during a Washington press conference.

“Take my word: Gone are the days when an agent could just mosey on into an unmonitored interrogation room with a caffeine enema and perform a forced rectal rehydration on any detainee she pleases,” O’Brennan added. “From here on out, she’ll need some serious documentation for things like that.”

The announcement opened with an official apology from O’Brennan, who emphasized the agency’s intent to identify “less unquestionably atrocious ways of keeping things interesting.” O’Brennan apologized specifically for an incident in which a partially nude detainee with broken legs was chained to the floor of an Afghan detention site known as the “Salt Pit” and left to die of hypothermia.

“To be honest,” O’Brennan continued, “we thought he was into it too.”

“In our defense,” the director continued, “Our prisoners were given an agreed-upon safeword. It was just really tough to make out amongst their blood-curdling screams of agony.”

“So, in a way, it’s all just a big misunderstanding.”

Continuing on, the CIA director assured the public that they would replace their “irredeemably sick” stress-relief practices––like waterboarding detainees to the point of convulsive vomiting––with less “incontestably abhorrent” ways of unwinding at the end of a long day of drone strikes, cover-ups and politically-motivated blackmail.

Despite the promises, many Americans remain skeptical. “I just don’t know who to trust in the government anymore,” commented Washington, D.C. resident Stacy Feldman. “We’ve given the CIA plenty of chances to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, but each time they insist on pulling some shit and continuing to forcibly drag hooded, naked detainees down unlit corridors in the dead of night. I think we’d all really prefer that they found something more constructive––or at least something less unspeakably nefarious––to help blow off steam.”

At press time, the CIA began implementing its new policy of classifying all detention center reports for storage in a large, industrial incinerator.

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