THE LOWEST RING OF HELL– Two terrorists, Zaid Salim and Ibrahim Haddad, were surprised to find themselves stranded in the tundra of an unfathomably cold cave of Buddhist hell, moments after they fastened bombs to their chests and ran into a crowd of people.
“Where are we?” Salim muttered through his incessantly chattering teeth. “This isn’t what I expected at all.” Salim and Haddad reportedly explored the hell in search of their promised 72 virgins, only to find many different caves of Buddhist hell,one of which included a devil figure that repeatedly stabbed them with a trident, and another in which hell guards repeatedly slice their bodies into infinitely thin-sliced only to have their bodies reconstructed and the process repeated.
“I thought Buddhists were supposed to be pacifists,” Haddad said, between his shrieks of agony. “Why is everything here so morbid and violent? Where’s the fat guy? Can I talk to him?”
Haddad also stated that he had “absolutely no idea” that he did anything wrong during his lifetime. “I never once thought killing innocent civilians was in any sense morally wrong.” On being asked if he has ever read the Qur’an, he said, “the whole thing? Nobody does that. Sometimes I read some excerpts on the propaganda people hand out.”
Allah also made a rare appearance to tell the terrorists that he is sorry that Islamic hell is overbooked right now, and that when renovations are complete, he will bring them back so they can experience eternal punishment there instead.
Originally published January 2015