CHICAGO, IL— Chicago Cubs fans were reportedly devastated by the news that longtime fan favorite and eternal optimist Ernie Banks had died over the weekend, reminding them not only of their own mortality, but also of the fact that they will most certainly die before ever seeing their beloved team win the World Series.
“I loved Ernie, every year he came to spring training with a goofy phrase about how the Cubs were going all the way that year,” lifelong Cubs fan Jeff Gooden told reporters. “And it never happened! Not once! The guy never even made it to the playoffs, despite playing for 19 years! I now know that someday, I too will die forlorn and unfulfilled, never knowing baseball’s greatest joy.”
With spring training fast approaching, many Cubs fans are already undergoing their yearly ritual of deluding themselves into thinking their team has a legitimate chance to win the World Series. Yet others seem to have had their eyes opened by the 83-year-old shortstop’s death and are seriously reconsidering their priorities in life.
“I mean, sure, I thought the Cubs were going to be pretty good this year,” said Chicagoan Emile Kertz, “I bet Ernie probably thought he was going to see the Cubs win one someday too, and look at him now. He’s dead, man. A fucking corpse. He’s in the ground forever, fated never to see the Commissioner’s Trophy hoisted in Wrigley Field. You know what? It isn’t too late for me. I’m walking away from this shit.”
When asked what they plan to do with their newfound free time, which would otherwise be spent with a baseball team that has perennially lost for over 100 years, most Cub’s fans were unsure.
“I’m going to do something better with my life than sit drunkenly in bleachers, that’s for sure,” said Kertz. “Maybe I’ll fill this new void by spending quality time with my friends and family. Though I’ll probably just become a Yankees fan instead. I mean, the cable company already makes me pay for their network, so why not?”
At press time, many Cubs fans declared that the long wait for a World Series title would only make winning one that much more special, apparently unaware that it just is never going to happen. Not while they are around to witness it, at least.
