Living Room Coffee Table Nowhere Near As Messy As It Could Be, Claims Laid-Back Housemate

SOMEWHERE ON GREENWOOD—Consensus slob and excuse-making housemate Taylor Socha asserted early last week that, despite an apparent mess of old food and wrappers, the coffee table in question was in no way suffering from serious overcrowding.

“It’s like the coffee table is an extension of his room,” said fellow housemate Sarah McGown. “A ketchup-glooped, plate-stacked, leftover-food containing extension.”

“I mean, it’s messy, but there’s still good, valuable space available,” said Socha, wiping the cheeto-dust from his hands onto his large cardigan sweater.

“When it comes down to it, what isn’t basically a mess, or about to be one?” questioned Socha, rolling over from one side of the couch to the other, kicking off his shoes onto the adjacent side table. Socha’s less vocal housemates, Sam Egleston and Elana Trowbridge, each weighed in.

“At this point the array of empty fast-food cups is about 50% of the table,” Egelston said. “So technically, we really are at a point where everyone is half-right, half-wrong.”

“I used one of the empty cups as mini- trashcans. One cup is almost entirely filled with candy wrappers from the fun-size bag of snickers that I had earlier. The situation is constantly evolving,” Trowbridge, an Urban-Planning Major, said.

When questioned further about his plans for the trash-covered, sticky table, Taylor slowly became unresponsive and distracted as a commercial-interrupted broadcast of the hit film Rambo began on the television in front of him.

Sources confirm Taylor then propped his head up with a balled-up pair of sweatpants and blankly stared forward as he drifted off into his third nap of the day.

Originally published January 2015

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