Obama to Enhance College Affordability via Expansion of Pell Grants, Purchase of Two Cokes

In his recent address to the nation, President Obama announced his intent to make college more affordable via a three-part plan that increases funding for the Federal Pell Grant Program, ties financial aid to a college’s value, and cuts tuition in half via the purchase of two Coke cans at regular menu price.

“Of course, the president is very excited about our expansion of Pell Grants for lower-income students and our plan to tie financial aid to a college’s demonstrated value,” said Department of Education spokesperson Sarah Lewis.

“But President Obama is even more confident that tuition discounts based on the purchase of two Coca-Cola brand beverages at regular menu price will greatly accelerate the upward mobility of our nation’s middle class,” Lewis continued.

The architects of the program claim it will not only increase the nation’s return on its investment in financial aid, but it will also ensure that “no one with access to two or more Coca Cola beverage products will be denied access to the benefits of a four-year postsecondary education at the taxpayers’ expense.”

College freshman Tina Burgess is a vocal supporter of the program.

“I’ve really had trouble paying for college on my own,” Burgess explained. “So when President Obama announced the new grants and race to the top stuff, I was all for it.”

“But when he mentioned I could attend Western Governors University at half price with the purchase of two Cokes, I got up and ran to the nearest 7-11 to down a couple of nice, cool 12-ouncers,” Burgess added.

When reached for comment on the matter, President Obama cited his own difficulties funding his undergraduate career at Columbia University as the inspiration for the program.

“I got myself through school with a lot of effort and a little bit of luck, but without all the advantages of a full 50% tuition discount from the purchase of two medium-sized Coca Cola beverages at regular menu price,” the President explained. “The world needs more college grads who are prepared for this new economy: an economy that rewards students who start blogs about struggling to make rent on their crowded, five-story walk-up in Brooklyn. This will help America get there.”

Ultimately, only time will tell whether the president’s plan will help put some fizz back into a labor market that’s just beginning to emerge from its lukewarm and flat former times.

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