Researchers at the University of Iowa’s Institute for the Study of Human Co-occupancy announced Monday that the moment you left for the weekend, your roommate likely kicked up his heels, slipped on his drop-seat pajamas and proceeded to “positively revel” in a full forty-eight hours of absolute, undivided sovereignty over the thermostat.
The study found that your roommate spent the entire two days and two nights cooking without doing the dishes, urinating without flushing the toilet, and most importantly, enjoying the exquisite privilege of complete and unchallenged control over the temperature of the apartment.
“[You] keep it too cold,” your roommate reported to the researchers. “I generally like it warmer than that,” added your roommate, who prefers a temperature that allows him to traipse around the common areas naked and to cultivate a thin layer of sweat between his cheeks and your leather couch cushions.
“It’s not just the warmth I like, though,” your roommate added, “so much as the knowledge that, for two whole days, there is literally no one in the world who can challenge any act of my will directed towards that little plastic dial.”
At press time, you began texting your roommate to let him know that something came up and you’ll be home early this weekend.
