Study Shows Red Wine May Improve Health of Friendships

According to recent studies conducted by the FDA, red wine has been proven to increase the longevity of the average friendship, when consumed in copious amounts.

The study, conducted in living rooms across the nation, found that for women ages 18-26, friendship pairs who consumed a minimum of two bottles of red wine per night experienced a friendship nearly three times the length of those who did not consume the beverage at all.

“The results were undeniable,” said Cheryl Mendoza, head of the study. “We supplied each test pairing with unlimited bottles of Barefoot Merlot. The control pairs were given only tap water. We asked each pair of friends to meet weekly.” According to Mendoza, the study was conducted for a total of six weeks before supplies of red wine were exhausted.

“At the end of the study, the control pairs reported that their time together felt lifeless, tedious, and meaningless. However, the test pairs all reported that their friendships felt vital, strong, and likely to last into old age.”

“When asked to provide further information on the friendships’ improvements, our participants wrote things such as ‘She’s GREAT,’ ‘this is my bitchhhhh,’ and ‘I can’t remember, but she seems nice.’” Interestingly, Mendoza said, many of the test groups indicated that friendships would be closely maintained because of “secrets divulged during testing.”

Further studies indicate that pink wine, white wine, and cheap vodka may have similar benefits.

Originally published January 2015

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