‘u up?’ Texts Man Abby Will Someday, Sadly, Marry

THE INTERSECTION OF TRUE LOVE AND FIVE SHOTS OF TEQUILA—Sophomore Abby Hamilton reportedly received a text message Tuesday, reading, “u up?” from the man whose proposal she will, unfortunately, accept in three years’ time.

The text, sent at exactly 2:12 AM, was considered by many analysts as a rather unceremonious first step toward domestic bliss in a happy, albeit dull marriage.

Fueled by one too many drinks, Hamilton’s future husband, Alex Burton, sent the missive that has begun what his mother will unimaginatively refer to as “a romance for the ages” at their rehearsal dinner in November 2018.

The pair met at a mutual friend’s house one week prior to the text in question, after which Hamilton and Burton’s indiscriminate sexual encounter served to disprove her mother’s assertion that “putting out is not the way to catch a husband, sweetie.”

The couple’s first drunken encounter and very bland attempt at a night of passion was a slightly memorable one, as proven by Burton’s vague recognition of Hamilton’s first and last name—the latter of which is assumed to be replaced by his in a few years’ time—as he was thumbing through his contact list.

Upon receiving his text, the woman to whom he is inclined to reveal all his secrets and mediocre dreams during a series of uninspired dates at 2-star family-style restaurants responded with a passionate “lol ya.”

Friends of the couple are expected to someday stand up in the budget-friendly Hilton Garden Inn’s Meeting Room 2 to describe the new Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Burton as “meant to be!” and “so cute,” despite the fact that their marital union will be predicated mainly on a tragically mundane 5-character message—the last non- monogamous “u up?” message Mr. Burton will, to his future despair, ever be able to send.

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