‘We’ll Stay In Touch’ Says Naive, Optimistic Fool

Last Monday, Ross senior and hopelessly optimistic fool Vince Walker told LSA junior Mary Scholl, a student he met at an internship information event, that they would “stay in touch.”

“Mary and I shared quite a few interests and she seemed like a pretty cool person, so I thought, hey, why not? I gave her my business card—I designed it myself—and told her to shoot me an email any time,” said Walker, sadly unaware of reality.

“When Vince handed me his business card, all I could do was nod my head in disbelief,” Scholl said. “I mean, surely he doesn’t actually believe we can ever contact each other again, right? Does he really think I have the desire to glance at his Facebook profile, let alone send him an entire email?”

“Vince just has to accept that once this seminar is over I will fade into the aether, never to cross his path again,” Scholl continued. “What a willfully ignorant twit he must be. I almost envy him.”

Despite all natural laws of the universe acting against him, the blockhead Walker continued to labor in delusions, saying, “Mary told me she lives in Martha Cook, and that’s pretty close to my place. I might invite her to lunch one of these days, and then, maybe something more? I mean, she’s pretty attractive and we’re about the same age. Who knows what could happen? Maybe a business relationship could blossom into something more.”

Ed Morris, a speaker at the event, said of the pair, “I’m just happy I got to witness them before they invariably separate forevermore. I empathize with Vince because I too once told someone I would stay in touch with her.”

“Heavens, those were more innocent days,” he said with a chuckle. “Vince is no more of a dolt than I was at his age. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did give that girl a call, but I could never bring myself to actually do it.”

Clearly a lost cause, Walker was recently seen shaking the hand of another student he met in the Ross cafeteria, suggesting that they should “get together soon.”

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