In an underwhelming attempt to impart some kind of life lesson to his surviving relatives before passing away peacefully last Sunday evening, sources confirmed that area grandfather Harold Gargery’s words of dying wisdom fell “noticeably short” of expectations.
The 87-year-old’s last words, which presented no mystery, splendor, or elevated understanding of human existence, were described by those present during his final hours as “regrettably banal” and “thoroughly unimaginative… probably lifted from It’s A Wonderful Life or some feelgood parade of clichés like that.”
Reportedly, Gargery’s extended family were sorely disappointed that in his nearly nine decades on this planet, the retired civil engineer had failed to develop any unique perspective on life that went beyond the sophistication of a mid-rate Hallmark greeting.
“Harold was a good man,” said his wife of 58 years, Debora Gargery. Yet sources confirm that witnessing his dying breath wasn’t nearly as disheartening for Gargery’s wife as hearing his stale, uninspiring last words.
“Harry was a war vet for crying out loud. There must’ve been something worth saying hidden up his sleeve–– something about a forgotten love child from the Korean War, or even a stage-whispered diatribe against Obamacare,” his wife added.
Reportedly, Gargery’s death will be remembered by his family as “tragic, but not nearly as much of a loss as it could have been had he held any sort of poignant wisdom whatsoever.” “I don’t want to speak ill of the dead,” said son James Gargery, 48. “But I flew all the way out here from Seattle for Dad’s last days, so you can’t blame me for expecting a little more flair from the guy’s last words. A little showmanship, you know?”
“Dad really just phoned it in with this one,” James added.
Reportedly, the family had difficulty recalling the dying man’s exact words. “It was something to the tune of, be true to yourself, or, listen to your heart, but I really don’t remember,” James admitted. “Honestly, I feel like most of what he said was just based off of Thoreau or something he read in a travel magazine.”
“And that really bums me out too,” he continued. “I was hoping to prove my father was a role model for my kids, but now I’m just hoping they think I got more of Mom’s good genes instead.”
Even the youngest of the Gargery family seemed underwhelmed by her grandfather’s last remarks. “I was really hoping to take away something about how to treat people, or what it means to love,” said Emily Gargery, 11.
“Now I guess I just have to wait another couple months until Nana dies.
