Grandma Sends Mysterious Card Containing Well Wishes, No Money

Reportedly left dumbfounded by the heartfelt, handwritten message from his grandmother that included nothing of monetary value, sophomore Caleb Hirsch found himself unable to discern on Wednesday his grandmother’s motivation for wishing him well without also furnishing her “favorite and only” grandson with a penny of spending money.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Hirsch. “I’m always touched to get a thoughtful note asking about how classes are going and whether I’m staying warm––so long as there’s some green tucked inside.”

“I thought Grandma and I were on the same page with that,” the 20-year-old full-time student continued.

The letter, which described in detail his grandmother’s recent trip to the movies to see Unbroken, as well as how the cats were getting along, prompted Hirsch to ruminate on whether he’d somehow slighted his grandmother during a recent phone call, or if her memory was going–– which he feared could mean an end to the long, robust Hirsch family tradition of receiving cold hard cash from elderly relatives.

“I couldn’t help but read between the lines,” he said. “Grandma said she was doing fine, but I couldn’t help but wonder if her omission of cash was telling me more about her deteriorating mental state than words ever could.”

Hirsch admitted that he did feel “somewhat guilty” for assuming that his grandma would send money every time she got in touch with him, but he also stated that he would be sure to text his sister at Northwestern to see if she got a similar card and whether or not it contained “any money, or a gift card or something.” At press time, Hirsch was formulating a thoughtful reply concerning his grandpa’s sciatica that was sure to net him $20 and some Peeps come Easter.


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