Kentucky Basketball Leads Nation in Conference Wins, Player Salaries

Continuing their historic stretch of athletic and financial dominance, the Kentucky Wildcats basketball team remains at the top of the Associate Press Top 25 College Basketball Poll, as well as the Forbes annual listing of college athletes’ salaries.

“Kentucky basketball is synonymous with excellence, and this year they’ve fielded a roster that is unparalleled in the nation,” ESPN college basketball commentator Jay Bilas explained. “They’ve got so much talent, the only thing deeper than their roster is their boosters’ pockets.”

Analysts and casual viewers alike attribute this success in large part to Coach Calipari’s alleged recruiting strategies, the most successful of which is delivering a suitcase of cash to the player’s family in a dark parking garage.

“Keeping our team at the top of the rankings heading into March Madness is very important when it comes to seeding,” said Calipari. “And the best way to do that year-in and year-out is ensuring that we’re buying up the best recruits in the nation.”

Added Calipari, “a shoebox with some ‘extra padding’ helps keep our boys happy during the long season, too.”

Although NCAA athletes are not allowed to receive benefits, polling confirms that a vast majority of the public is well-aware that college athletes receive improper benefits, but many “honestly, don’t really care.”

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