THE GYM—Although three long months have passed since area douchebag Steve Kowsky resolved to exercise more in 2015, according to sources, he is still going to the gym four to five times per week and letting everyone know about it.
Kowsky had much to say to reporters. “New Year’s Resolutions are a great way to change something in your life that you’re not too crazy about,” he explained. “Whenever I see people who have given up on their resolutions, I immediately remind them that they are the only ones accountable. If you put your mind to something and give up, you’re only letting yourself down.”
After resolving to get in better shape, Kowsky joined his local gym on New Year’s Day, and he is not hesitating to let people know that he still routinely goes. “I think I’ve lost 12 pounds so far. Before you know it, I’ll look as good as I did in college.”
Kowsky is also very excited about his future prospects, especially given his new “transformation.” He said, “Maybe I should go out there are show people how easy it is to stick to something and improve yourself. I’m thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.”
When asked about Kowsky’s dedication to bettering himself, his friend Willy Grayson said, “I’m shocked, given his past flakiness with resolutions. But I doubt he’ll keep up this obsession with going to gym, not to mention bragging about it to everyone he sees. In 2011 he said he’d quit drinking, and I think we all know how that one ended.”